The holiday seasons are here. A time of family..laughter....thankfulness..and love. I will be openly honest with myself and everyone else about a tough thing I have always struggled with... MYSELF.
When I heard the Pink song..Lyrics "I am my own worst enemy" I so get that. I have all my life known deep down what is right and wrong. I think once you have been saved, this is always something that lives within your heart. The struggle with that and being a people pleaser conflicted me on a daily basis. I am like most people..always wanting to be liked. I was sometimes envious of the people that could not care what others think. It also though at the same time haunt me back to school days when people would be so mean that at a young age I felt sorry for people not having feelings. I really thought that. In K-2 grade I was the girl who would hug my teachers and friends and family. I cried when oir school cook Vicki Conell passed when my mom told me she had cried when I moved to Staplehurst school and she told my mom I hugged her every single day. She was the best cook. I remember Amity Bruns and I would have food eating contests. Vicki always had a smile or laugh and cooked the best food in the world.
Adjusting to the schools in Staplehurst was very very hard. Everyone was related. People made fun of my name. Everyone had a best friend. I still tried to be nice to people. I would always give Darin Zwick my favorite pens and oencils because he always wrote so nice. I gave people stickers. I tried sports.
Somewhere in there I lost who I was suppose to be... I grew up on an isolated farm. There was always lots of work to be done with chores...feeding animals..mowing. My parents fought alot. I was always jealous of the happy families. I think some where around 9th grade I finally started getting angry about all my sadness and not fair life and was easily sgut down where I wouldnt let anyone too close to me. My best friend Becky Hook was there for me all high school. We were absolutely crazy together. The only person I felt like I could be myself. I graduated from1998. I wanted to be a hair stylist so bad. I saved and saved for all the stuff I needed to move out. I HATED owning money. I loved the thrill of working hard and being able to buy things for myself or nice gifts. I still was not happy though. Long story short version I was enrolled in college even got a 500 scholarship and then my parents got divorced and O was unable to go at my start date.
I got into sales jobs often. College never became an option as I worked two and three jobs to keep me busy. Deep down though I always held onto my past and never could let go of all the negative things. Years go by. Deep down Im the lovable hugs girl with a blackened heart from pain and meanness of people and life. I struggled with relatiinships and weight often. Felt like I was always on a roller coaster of emotions. I COULDN'T BREAK FREE!
2011 emerges a complete rock bottom flat fallout of Bambi. A week later it was absolutely amazing how I changed my thinking and prayed and let go of the past and felt completely for the first time..peaceful..blessed...HAPPY!!!! I KNEE I had been just living for the most part to please other people. I was scared to say what I felt. I didnt have a backbone most of the time. I let people treat me bad and mess with my head and I finally realized I had been always always hanging on the bad stuff. I missed it! I missed out in reflecting on the good and amazing stuff in my life. I cried more about the evil people and not fair world when all along my glass could have been half full.
People now can see my true real side. Im a happy person. I love trying new things and not scared as much to fail. All my motivational quotes and true balance in my life have made me a better person. I say thanks for all the small things. The saying when one door closes...another window opens. I feel like now I forgave myself Im moving on to brighter days. I have come such a long ways from where I was and how I thought about life.
2012 Here I come! This smiley happy full of life Bambi is here to stay! I want my daughters to look back and think I love my mom and she was/is always so happy and I want to encourage them to be their very best person they can be. ThT would make me the happiest girl alive.
I SIGNED UP FOR THE HALF MARATHON for May. Several people I know are going. I really want to do this as its a HUUUGGGEEE fear. I want to conquer these tasks and then continue to add onto my bucket list.
God is going to live in my heart. I will rejoice that my Grandma is happy in heaven instead of crying so much and missing her. She will always be alive in my heart. I want to have good loving relationships with my family. I want each and every member to know they are important and loved more than words. I want to be the best mom for my girls. Live alittle..act young...read books. See the world through their eyes. They are only little once. I want to always take lots of pictures and hold memories close and near to my heart. I want to be a great friend to my friends. So they know they can count on me...good times and bad. I want to be a good stranger. Smile give complimenta...pay for a random coffee.
ITS THE SMALL THINGS THAT MATTER. TOOK ME THIS LONG TO FIGURE IT OUT. BUT I GOT IT!!!!
Hope you have an Amazing Christmas! Jesus is the reason for the season. Remember that. God bless!
Luv,
The FABULOUS BAMBI
