Mom,
I read through my cards and letters to you that you saved. I'm always saying sorry........When I look back my BEST memories are with YOU! I can't ever say sorry or any single freaking word to you now anymore cuz your not here. It's so frustrating to me because I worked myself to death, like 16-18 hours so many months. My GOAL was to make my own business and help you like 20 hours a day. I failed at that and it eats me alive every single day. EVERY DAY! I video taped you my every project and what I did and what I was going to do and I just wanted to make you proud. I miss you bad. I never can just sit and be happy it feels like now. I never seen me being like this and I don't know what to do with me now. I can't even barely paint mom. I don't want to talk to people or be around people.. I just want YOU back. I just want you back. I always think that night when you looked at me with your eyes teared up saying, "you know you will be okay" and I told you honestly " I will never be okay again" and we both cried. I didn't even know that was 100% true, but it was. It was completely. You were alot like me. You always wanted to be loved. You always were funny. Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate all of this. My lesson in life was learned. YOu always treat people like they are MORE precious in gold, one day you won't have them or they won't have you. Life is short. God makes the plans. Humans just live the best they can and they totally feel like they screw up. I feel like though you had a huge part of my heart always and I don't know HOW TO LIVE NOW! What am I supposed to do? I have no idea. NONE. People say smile, live, your in heaven, your flying high.. I hate when people say that. I dont' know why. But, I saw you breathing and dying and barely breathing and it made me sick and sad and it was so hard to watch and when people cough even know makes me think of that day. I'm glad you had to not suffer any more than you did. That was my worst day ever in life. #1. BY FAR!. BUT............... I know you are in heaven. I know you are. That makes me happy 90% of the time. My 10% is selfish. All selfish. Mom, you made me the person I am today. I thought after that day I had zero words to say. I always do! I have random stuff to say and think NOW so much. I just hope you know it all. That is all I need to say for today you cute nosed lady. I just love you and will always love you.
Always and Forever Mama!!!!
Bambi
